Stereotyping

At some point, I believe almost all people (besides those lacking any self awareness or healthy self-doubt) have felt some insecurity about how others see them, or perhaps wondered about what kind of first impression they give. We all stereotype each other. As I explain to my students, stereotypes, though they can be harmful or inaccurate, serve a very important purpose for us mentally. They allow us to categorize and draw conclusions. If we didn’t do this automatically in most situations, life would become quite agonizing. At every turn we would have to carefully deliberate upon all the factors and carefully arrive at decisions and judgments. “Hmmm… this piece of fruit smells like a grape, it’s got a squishy skin that separates from the juicy soft interior, however it is a different color than any grape I’ve previously experienced. Yet, all other signs point to its belonging in the grape family. Yes, despite my hesitations, I must conclude that it is a grape.” Such would be the tedium of one’s life if one did not have the capacity to stereotype. The danger arises when we jump to conclusions too quickly without enough information, especially about people.

I caught a glimpse yesterday of how my students view me. In the midst of what in retrospect must have been a lecture that to my students seemed to lengthen every minute of the last period on Friday afternoon, I subconsciously decided to inject a tiny bit of excitement into my classroom. While attempting to explain to a bunch of 14 year olds why print sources such as books and major newspapers are generally more credible than websites, I remarked, “Publishers of books and newspapers have to cover their asses so they don’t get sued or lose credibility. So, they have fact-checkers and editors.” Half the class was titillated by my use of the term “ass” while half the class was so deep in oblivion that it slid right over their heads. No worries though, those who caught my comment did their best to wake those up who had missed it.

“Ms. Sterling said ass!”
“What, what did she say???”
“She just swore! She said ass.”
“Ms. Sterling, you never cuss!”
I did my best to ignore the uproar and redirect their awakened attention toward the topic at hand.

Finally, Ashley, a precocious girl, decided it was time to put the class in check: “Well, what did you think, guys?! She’s got a nose ring.” I guess having a nose ring and a potty mouth go hand in hand for some kids. For others, being a teacher and having a potty mouth are totally incongruent—how can both traits simultaneously exist in the same person? What other assumptions have my nose ring and my profession led my students to believe about me?

In dating, especially, first impressions can lead to stereotyping. While leafing through a Cosmo at the nail salon today, I encountered this piece of wisdom about dating: “In the early stages of a relationship everything you do seems amplified to your guy. If you text him twice, to him it may feel like 10 times and he may feel like you’re clingy.” Hmmm, what to do with this sage advice?

When you’re first getting to know someone, it’s hard to know what is actually indicative of his or her character and what is simply an offhand remark or nervous tic. I’ve been guilty of writing guys off for wearing sandals (I’m sorry, but men’s feet can be so unattractive) or saying annoying things like “parm” short for parmesan. Yes, I am superficial, okay? Clearly, unfortunate traits like poor choice of footwear or use of obnoxious abbreviations can’t tell me if a guy is a good man or not; all I know is they turn me off.

This is what makes dating so nerve-wracking. How do you know what is going to strike a chord with another person? And in a good or a bad way? I guess the best you can do is keep an open mind, withhold judgment, trust that good feeling you get when someone just makes you feel at ease, and hope that your date will give you the same courtesy and respect.

Are All Men Dogs?

For months, friends have been telling me I should start a dating blog because I have so many dating stories. However, I resented that my achy heartbreak was fodder for their enjoyment; I felt that some of my smug coupley friends loved to ask me about my love life just so they could live vicariously through me and reap the excitement of first time sexual experiences without the precarious uncertainty of “will he call me again?” and “was I good in bed?” and “what did he think of my body?” I, paranoid I know, was grudgingly accusatory. My stories were reinforcement for my smug coupled friends that they had indeed made the right decisions to remain in the warm comfort of their relationships. For, though the sex might be routine, and maybe this wasn’t the person they saw themselves marrying, it is rough out there in the world of dating. It’s not for the faint of heart. Unfortunately for me, I am rather faint of heart. I am, as Maya Angelou also characterized herself, “tender-hearted.” I am sensitive. I dislike superficial exchanges. I tend to take things at face value, and I don’t play games. These are not desirable qualities in the dating world. Thus, my many dating stories. So, I guess I’ve accumulated a few lemons. Let’s make some lemonade, y’all!*

The first question I shall tackle: have I-- and all those other smart, adorable single gals out there like me-- been dating dogs?

Most would acknowledge that I’ve encountered a long string of bad dating juju since breaking off my last long-term relationship about a year ago. I fell hard for my first date back in the game—tall, dark, handsome, and sensitive; he was totally my type. Unfortunately, I never saw him again after our first date, despite many reneged upon promises of further dates. Hmmm. No worries on my part yet; it was all clear skies for me at this point.

The disappointments continued to pile up though, as 20-something-year-old-boy after 20-something-year-old-boy failed to follow through. One, thank god, was up front with me. “I’m really not looking to rush into anything serious or exclusive,” he informed me on our third date. Why oh why didn’t I believe him? I suppose it was because of a linguistic nuance—he said “rush.” Hence, I thought perhaps he might like to slowly mosey into something exclusive. O, what fools these mortals be!

Others though, have exhibited true lameness. There was Aaron who slept with me, then facebook-messaged me a month later to apologize for being so out of touch. There were also a multitude I dated who then faded away and flaked. A classic example of douche-dom was Darren. I went on three dates with Darren. He pursued me. I thought I was way cooler than him. He invited me over to his place to bake eggplant parmesan together. He tried to sleep with me (of course), but we arranged to get together again a week later. I texted him to figure out where and when to meet up, and got a very jovial email in response informing me that he’d decided to “try and make a go at it” with someone he’d been seeing. Did she know this same guy had been actively pursuing me until two days before?

Proof that not only 20-somethings can be lame, but also 30-somethings can: A 35 year old baby whom I was supposed to meet for drinks, texted me moments before to say, “The game’s still going, but the bigger issue is I’m all out of cash.” Moments like when I received this text make me think I’m crazy. Whoa. On what planet is this acceptable-- let alone gentlemanly-- behavior?

Or what about Mark? He said he “[had] a lot of respect” for me. He would lose respect for me if he had sex for me. So, he wanted to keep me on a pedestal; he wanted to preserve this untainted image by not fucking me. That would be wrong. I was that nice Jewish girl he wanted to introduce to his parents. I dunno, I think sex is beautiful and vital. Disappearing and not ever calling someone again (which is what Mark did): now that’s disrespectful.

Do I sound bitter? I guess so. But here’s the thing. Most of the guys I’ve dated over the past year are nice guys. They were respectful and kind and interesting. They were guys I could imagine having as friends or cousins; guys I would want to have as friends or cousins. I know that many of my own cousins and guy friends have exhibited douchey-ness upon occasion. Up until the point where they turned lame, I thought almost all my dates were awesome. Open communication is difficult. I have a hard time handling it with my own roommate and my sisters, let alone near strangers in whom I have a sexual interest. Still, I believe it is kinder and stronger to be honest and straightforward.

Finally, I know I can be lame, too. I just returned from a “re-run” date today. He was a nice Jewish boy I met six months ago. Smart, goofy, good-looking. I had a great time on our first date. He kissed me goodnight and asked me if I’d like to hang out again. I said yes. Then, when he texted me about getting together again, I freaked out because I was already somewhat wrapped up in one of the afore-mentioned lame-o’s. I said something to the effect of, “I’m really busy and don’t have much of myself to give right now. I’d like to just be friends.” If that had been true, it would have been alright. But, given my earlier behavior and the fact that I did honestly like him, it was totally LAME. I’m lucky to have run into my re-run out on the town, and I’m extra lucky that, despite my lameness, he agreed to go out with me again.

So, boys and girls, what do you say? Why don’t we stop being such cowards? Why don’t we start being kinder and more honest with one another? What’s so scary about being kind and honest?

*All resemblances to real people... are not coincidental! But, take comfort in the fact that all names have been changed to protect your anonymity. And who knows, maybe when I'm a famous published author, you'll brag about how lame you acted towards me :)