Poking Fun at the Freshers

Five weeks into the school year and my freshman class is already providing me with plenty of fodder for poking fun at them. Here are just two of this week’s shining jewels…

1) This first one is my fault really—word to the wise, never feed chocolate to freshmen students, especially not before nine in the morning. Nevertheless, that is exactly what I did on Tuesday as part of an exercise in writing using sensory detail. The object: brainstorm words to describe how the chocolate stimulated all five of the senses, then write descriptive paragraphs using vivid sensory detail. The chocolate, though, only served to wind the students up to the point that when I asked for descriptive words for the sight of the chocolate, shouts of “Poo!” and “I can’t say it because it’s too rude!” were accompanied by wild laughter. Things got out of hand, and as a consequence I threatened to take away the class’ break. This greatly upset poor Ashley. Just as my department chair poked her head into my classroom to ask me a question, Ashley slammed down her hands, rose abruptly from her seat and screamed at the entire class, “Shut the fuck up! We’re gonna lose our damn break!” Needless to say, I had to send her packing, but she of course worked hard to maintain her tough image by stomping her feet and muttering curses at me under her breath as she left. So much for impressing my department chair with my classroom management skills. (Side note, same student is now suspended for three days due to some other unknown incident outside my classroom.)

2) Frank and Carlo are shrimpy freshmen boys, best friends both suffering serious cases of ADHD. Have you ever experienced a moment when there’s a lull in the conversation, just at the moment you say something dumb? So that the entire dinner table hears your remark loud and clear? This is just what happened to Frank and Carlo today. As the whole class poured out of the classroom, I turned my head to urge Frank and Carlo on just in time to witness their chorus of “I like to eat- eat- eat- pussies and vaginas!” sung to the tune of “I like to eat- eat- eat- apples and bananas.” Charming. Although I put on a show of disgust and lectured them about appropriate classroom language, really it is ridiculous moments like these that make teaching worthwhile. What goofballs :D

Teaching

A lone student’s shifty eyes
follow my ramble through
the rows of desks, hunched shoulders,
slouched shoulders, and
perilous backpacks askew on the floor.
How did I,
who know so little,
become “master” of this domain?
Sometimes, sun nudges fog away,
the squeak of chairs, tap of feet, turn of pages
slows as concentration settles the room;
my moment to ease into a desk and
join together in the labor of writing.